Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
