i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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