i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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