I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
