I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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