i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This is my gift to your gina
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
