Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize