Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
