She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
