I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
