We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
