The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
