i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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