That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Randomize
