Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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