so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You dont lie about slip and slides
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
