Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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