I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
