my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
