My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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