i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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