I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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