I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I stole a fireplace last night.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
