We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
