Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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