you guys were way drunker than both of me
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is Oprah even human
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
