Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
