My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
