this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
