so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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