its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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