I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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