just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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