so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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