I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
