Even the bartender felt bad for me
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
