I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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