Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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