My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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