a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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