Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
why is half of my head shaved?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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