this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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