I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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