Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
