My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
