He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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