Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
