did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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