If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
