cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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