He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
