Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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