i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Pooping to opera.
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