Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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