i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
